five awesome things about the washington metro area

one: weather
Okay, it's humid as balls. But at least you're not likely to get 80 degree weather in December. Of course, the DC area's idea of "sweltering" is about 20 degrees cooler than Oklahoma's, anyway. Marylanders/DCers are weenies. Yeah, I said it. Check back in when it's 110 degrees with 100% humidity, kids. Then we'll talk about me rescinding you being wieners.

two: ikea
Fuck yeah, there's an Ikea 15 minutes from my apartment. And you know what's great about Ikea? Not only does it have cheap furniture, but they also have Swedish meatballs. And Lingonberry juice! That's what's great about Ikea. Oh, and their shopping carts have wheels that move in every direction, all independent of each other. And that, my friends, is awesome.

three: music access
When I lived in Oklahoma, the closest venue I could go to to see bands that I enjoy was about an hour and a half away. It wasn't uncommon to go right out of state to Dallas or Kansas City for the good stuff. Here, I live, like, 20 minutes from Merriweather Post Pavillion (which sucks, but eh). I've been to four concerts within thirty minutes of my apartment since moving here. That is the shit, my friends. Also? Jersey? New York? Are less time driving than some of the places I went from Oklahoma. Like, you know, Kansas City. A+

four: shopping
Look, I used to have to drive an hour to go to a Target or a Kohl's or a mall that had a Sephora. Going to Hot Topic to frolick and mock on a whim was simply out of the question. They don't even have a Torrid store in Oklahoma. No, ANYWHERE, you guys. Here, nearly every mall has a Hot Topic AND a Sephora. And man, I love me some Sephora. (Also, somewhere out in Rockville is the biggest Barnes & Noble I've ever been in. At least until I go to the hugenormous one in B-more.)

five: the terps
My college's mascot was the Riverhawks. Now, that sounds stupid. Until you realize that the University of Maryland's mascot is the "terps". Now, this is not just a turtle, but a TERRAPIN. And that they say "fear the turtle." Now, IDK if you've ever met a terrapin before, but they are not particularly fearsome creatures. I mean, the worst thing they can do to you is pee on you. Now that's intimidation! They should've sprung for at least snapping turtles, because at least those things are scary and can hurt you. Terrapins, not so much. Never fails to give me a laugh when I see a decal on someone's car.

five things that blow about the washington metro area:

one: WMATA
I don't take the bus. I don't plan on ever taking the bus if I can help it. But I do take the train. The metro. The "subway." Fuck that noise. At time of writing this, I was late to work today. Why? Well, because the train I was on this morning averaged a total of three stops per station it was actually supposed to stop in. Not to mention it's hot, crowded, and generally pretty gross. Yeah, I know it's supposed to be cleaner than most places. The people that say it's clean have clearly never seen the water cascading down the walls of Farragut North station or smelled the wonderful soured-milk scent of Fort Totten station. So fuck you, DC Metro.

two: maryland drivers
I used to think Texan drivers were the worst drivers. Of course, I grew up in Oklahoma, and my first instinct was to yell at them to get off the roads when they passed me and cut me off. I severely underestimated the level of crappiness driving could reach. They speed. They speed a LOT. They honk nearly as much as Los Angeles drivers. And just when you think it can't get worse, it starts raining. The driving speed drops abruptly from 15mph over to 15mph under. Wipers come on full blast, even in drizzle. I decide to drive like a Texan. Fuck you, you pussies, try driving in tornadic weather sometime. (I hear it's worse when it snows, but since I was unemployed the last snow, I stayed happily in my apartment. I don't drive in the snow either. I don't know nothin' 'bout no snow. We don't get snow in Oklahoma. but when we do... everyone gets batshit. I imagine it's similar.) You know what's worse than Maryland drivers? Virginians. That's what.

three: bums
I don't carry cash. Even if I, for some reason, have cash or change or whatever on me, I'm going to tell you that I don't. Why? Because I'm a bitch like that. I'm not particularly used to bums. Oh, I've met my fair share, having toured LA, Chicago, Dallas, and the downtown area of Tulsa, OK fairly near the Salvation Army shelter. (The lady bums in Dallas are the worst. They'll cry. Watch out for that shit.) Where I'm from, we had a town bum (Johnny Bo!). He never asked for anything more than a cigarette or two (which my mother has always been happy to give, despite being a raging bitch without them), and someone to talk to. I don't like these insistent, smelly dudes who are sitting on corners with their signs. It offends my Southern sense of wanting to help people when I am determined not to dole out my change. They make me feel Catholic.

four: traffic
The worst traffic I ever experienced back home was trying to get off the highway and onto one of the busiest streets in Tulsa the weekend before Christmas. Well, except for that one time we were randomly in traffic in the middle of nowhere because of a combination of snow + drivers + bridge (yeah, it was bad) or trying to back out of a parking space at 3:30 in the middle of my pathetic little town. Now I make whimpery noises when I cross the bridge to get onto 1-95 to go to the beltway. I don't even want to discuss the beltway. We don't talk about the beltway, ugh.

five: mexican food
I don't know who you bitches think you are, but whatever you're serving is not Mexican food. What does a girl have to do to get some decent Mexican around here? I just want to find the place where they don't speak much English besides what they need to communicate orders with the gringos and they use the right kind of cheese. I feel like this is impossible, considering every time I mention Mexican food my roommate mentions Taco Bell. I AM DOOMED. (Note: Salvadorian/Spanish/Puerto Rican ≠ Mexican. At all. Ever.)