one: WMATA
I don't take the bus. I don't plan on ever taking the bus if I can help it. But I do take the train. The metro. The "subway." Fuck that noise. At time of writing this, I was late to work today. Why? Well, because the train I was on this morning averaged a total of three stops per station it was actually supposed to stop in. Not to mention it's hot, crowded, and generally pretty gross. Yeah, I know it's supposed to be cleaner than most places. The people that say it's clean have clearly never seen the water cascading down the walls of Farragut North station or smelled the wonderful soured-milk scent of Fort Totten station. So fuck you, DC Metro.
two: maryland drivers
I used to think Texan drivers were the worst drivers. Of course, I grew up in Oklahoma, and my first instinct was to yell at them to get off the roads when they passed me and cut me off. I severely underestimated the level of crappiness driving could reach. They speed. They speed a LOT. They honk nearly as much as Los Angeles drivers. And just when you think it can't get worse, it starts raining. The driving speed drops abruptly from 15mph over to 15mph under. Wipers come on full blast, even in drizzle. I decide to drive like a Texan. Fuck you, you pussies, try driving in tornadic weather sometime. (I hear it's worse when it snows, but since I was unemployed the last snow, I stayed happily in my apartment. I don't drive in the snow either. I don't know nothin' 'bout no snow. We don't get snow in Oklahoma. but when we do... everyone gets batshit. I imagine it's similar.) You know what's worse than Maryland drivers? Virginians. That's what.
three: bums
I don't carry cash. Even if I, for some reason, have cash or change or whatever on me, I'm going to tell you that I don't. Why? Because I'm a bitch like that. I'm not particularly used to bums. Oh, I've met my fair share, having toured LA, Chicago, Dallas, and the downtown area of Tulsa, OK fairly near the Salvation Army shelter. (The lady bums in Dallas are the worst. They'll cry. Watch out for that shit.) Where I'm from, we had a town bum (Johnny Bo!). He never asked for anything more than a cigarette or two (which my mother has always been happy to give, despite being a raging bitch without them), and someone to talk to. I don't like these insistent, smelly dudes who are sitting on corners with their signs. It offends my Southern sense of wanting to help people when I am determined not to dole out my change. They make me feel Catholic.
four: traffic
The worst traffic I ever experienced back home was trying to get off the highway and onto one of the busiest streets in Tulsa the weekend before Christmas. Well, except for that one time we were randomly in traffic in the middle of nowhere because of a combination of snow + drivers + bridge (yeah, it was bad) or trying to back out of a parking space at 3:30 in the middle of my pathetic little town. Now I make whimpery noises when I cross the bridge to get onto 1-95 to go to the beltway. I don't even want to discuss the beltway. We don't talk about the beltway, ugh.
five: mexican food
I don't know who you bitches think you are, but whatever you're serving is not Mexican food. What does a girl have to do to get some decent Mexican around here? I just want to find the place where they don't speak much English besides what they need to communicate orders with the gringos and they use the right kind of cheese. I feel like this is impossible, considering every time I mention Mexican food my roommate mentions Taco Bell. I AM DOOMED. (Note: Salvadorian/Spanish/Puerto Rican ≠ Mexican. At all. Ever.)
I don't take the bus. I don't plan on ever taking the bus if I can help it. But I do take the train. The metro. The "subway." Fuck that noise. At time of writing this, I was late to work today. Why? Well, because the train I was on this morning averaged a total of three stops per station it was actually supposed to stop in. Not to mention it's hot, crowded, and generally pretty gross. Yeah, I know it's supposed to be cleaner than most places. The people that say it's clean have clearly never seen the water cascading down the walls of Farragut North station or smelled the wonderful soured-milk scent of Fort Totten station. So fuck you, DC Metro.
two: maryland drivers
I used to think Texan drivers were the worst drivers. Of course, I grew up in Oklahoma, and my first instinct was to yell at them to get off the roads when they passed me and cut me off. I severely underestimated the level of crappiness driving could reach. They speed. They speed a LOT. They honk nearly as much as Los Angeles drivers. And just when you think it can't get worse, it starts raining. The driving speed drops abruptly from 15mph over to 15mph under. Wipers come on full blast, even in drizzle. I decide to drive like a Texan. Fuck you, you pussies, try driving in tornadic weather sometime. (I hear it's worse when it snows, but since I was unemployed the last snow, I stayed happily in my apartment. I don't drive in the snow either. I don't know nothin' 'bout no snow. We don't get snow in Oklahoma. but when we do... everyone gets batshit. I imagine it's similar.) You know what's worse than Maryland drivers? Virginians. That's what.
three: bums
I don't carry cash. Even if I, for some reason, have cash or change or whatever on me, I'm going to tell you that I don't. Why? Because I'm a bitch like that. I'm not particularly used to bums. Oh, I've met my fair share, having toured LA, Chicago, Dallas, and the downtown area of Tulsa, OK fairly near the Salvation Army shelter. (The lady bums in Dallas are the worst. They'll cry. Watch out for that shit.) Where I'm from, we had a town bum (Johnny Bo!). He never asked for anything more than a cigarette or two (which my mother has always been happy to give, despite being a raging bitch without them), and someone to talk to. I don't like these insistent, smelly dudes who are sitting on corners with their signs. It offends my Southern sense of wanting to help people when I am determined not to dole out my change. They make me feel Catholic.
four: traffic
The worst traffic I ever experienced back home was trying to get off the highway and onto one of the busiest streets in Tulsa the weekend before Christmas. Well, except for that one time we were randomly in traffic in the middle of nowhere because of a combination of snow + drivers + bridge (yeah, it was bad) or trying to back out of a parking space at 3:30 in the middle of my pathetic little town. Now I make whimpery noises when I cross the bridge to get onto 1-95 to go to the beltway. I don't even want to discuss the beltway. We don't talk about the beltway, ugh.
five: mexican food
I don't know who you bitches think you are, but whatever you're serving is not Mexican food. What does a girl have to do to get some decent Mexican around here? I just want to find the place where they don't speak much English besides what they need to communicate orders with the gringos and they use the right kind of cheese. I feel like this is impossible, considering every time I mention Mexican food my roommate mentions Taco Bell. I AM DOOMED. (Note: Salvadorian/Spanish/Puerto Rican ≠ Mexican. At all. Ever.)
No comments:
Post a Comment